O.k!……..(Deep breath….This is a long one)
This issue has been on my mind for years. I’ve finally decided to put some effort into finding a way to articulate why it is that I’m so “fine” not being in a romantic relationship. As you can imagine, the subject does come up from time to time and I always struggle to find the right words to explain, feeling that I’m going to insult someone or, what seems more common, that I’ll lead people to feel that I have something personal against men in general, which is so not the case.
First, I’ll start with the issue of Bad Boys vs. Nice Guys. Many people seem to put a lot of attention on just what it is girls want. Many believe that girls don’t know what they want. Personally, I think it’s more accurate to say that girls find it hard to articulate what they want. It seems as if, in our society, we over-simplify the issue and act as if each individual man must be either a “bad boy” or a “nice guy”. Is it possible that girls are fooled into believing that they must choose between these two opposites? Are men, then forced to try and “fit” into one of these two categories?
The common (so-called) wisdom out there is that women are more often attracted to bad boys, and while they do like nice guys, are not attracted to them as romantic partners. This is what it seems all of the “dating gurus” (is that the right term for them?) preach, and I think I can see why they believe that. It sort of makes me cringe though when I hear these “gurus” speaking about women as if they actually understand them, based on what “appears” to be this sort of schizophrenic desire for and simultaneous intolerance of “bad boys”. So for any guy who might stumble upon this blog, here is another way to look at it….This one coming from a girl who feels she knows herself and many other women pretty well.
If there’s anything to the above “bad boy” theory, I feel strongly that it has to do with women really just not wanting a “pushover”….someone who wants something from women(usually sex, but not necessarily) more than he wants to respect himself. This is only attractive to devas, and even they aren’t really attracted to it, they’ve just learned how to make use of it (ouch! It’s as hard to say as it is to hear, I think) So when a girl encounters a “bad boy” she tends to want to believe that he has the “back-bone” that is absent in many “nice guys”. Even if she doesn’t know him well, or has doubts about him, she knows that at least there is a chance that he could be what she’s looking for, whereas there’s no way on God’s green earth that a pushover is “the one”.
I believe what girls really want is a fun, adventurous time with a grown man who deeply loves and is not afraid of women. A man who totally respects himself….One who has a “healthy” sex drive…meaning he accepts and respects his own biology for what it is and does not apologize for it, but also has complete control over how he behaves with and treats women and is not ruled by his biological urges…A man who understands that “pretending” to be anything at all, other than who he is, in order to attract a woman is usually not effective (woman can sense these things as it ends up reading as “manipulative”) and is both disrespectful to himself and the woman, and is ultimately pointless as it can only lead to disappointment by the woman and decreasing self respect in himself (which women can also sense)….A man who has other interests in addition to his interest in sex….A man who is really secure/balanced/solid in himself, who is neither taken off balance by unrealistic pressures from a woman, nor pulled off balance by the petty pressures from his guy friends. A guy who can respond to either with equanimity because he knows and truly likes who he is. Whew! Am I getting carried away? This guy sounds awesome! And if he possessed all of the qualities above, I’ll bet that he would have as many women to choose from as he wanted. Why is it so rare that we ever find this guy?
Is it because men have given up their innate sense of what it is to be a man? The world sure doesn’t make it easy for them to hold on to…. Are men, just like everyone these days, so confused and disturbed by all of the conflicting information, scare tactics, subtle messages that they can hardly catch their breath for long enough to listen to (let alone develop in the first place) their own inner wisdom?
If you are a guy who has stumbled upon this page because of the title, here is my advice, as a woman: First, know who you are. What is most important to you? If it’s getting as much sex as you can, I’m just sayin’, that’s not very attractive to women. It doesn’t read as “manly”. If you’re not sure yet, devote as much time to finding out as you do to dreaming about getting a partner. Respect yourself. If you find that it’s difficult to do so, devote some time to finding out why that is, and do whatever is needed to change it. Contrary to some people’s belief, being dishonest, or manipulative, or even being willing to be, is enough to unconsciously sap your self respect. Know that women are people, not goddesses. Well, that’s not entirely accurate… but you will never access their goddess nature without first learning to “hang” with, respect and love their humanness. Want sex? Be honest about it. “She” doesn’t? Accept it immediately (and respectfully) and move on to someone who does. Do you have any interests beyond sex and sports? If not, just be aware that you may be less interesting to a woman as a result. Don’t try and “fake” any of this. It won’t work. Change/add what you honestly can in yourself and would be willing to anyway, regardless of what effect it might have on your “desirability factor”. Do all of this and you’ll be a better man, and probably won’t actually “need” a women in the same way you once did (which is very attractive to women, by the way 🙂 )
Now, as for why I’m so “fine” not being in a romantic relationship. Rather than make this post any longer than it already is, I’m going to link to this Eckhart Tolle article I found that seems to say it all. This doesn’t mean I’m determined to live alone for the rest of my life. I just no longer have any desire for a “conventional” relationship. The article (well I guess technically it’s a conversation between Eckhart Tolle and Kim Eng, his partner) is amazing and I highly recommend it!
Today’s Words of Wisdom:
Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. – Japanese Proverb